Sunday, January 31, 2010

wasting moments on you...

i have lay here in this same position for god knows how many hours. Laying here reading over old messages from you. Words that used to keep me up at night smiling are tonight filling my eyes with tears. I hate that i cant let you matter how far from your mind i am.
I believed every line you ever fed me now im stuck with this feeling.
I feel worthless and i hate you for making me this way. But moreso i hate myself for letting you mean so much to me.

I miss you and you were never really mine to miss in the first place...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

2010...a new year!

2010 is a new year
and should very well hold open so many exciting new doors for me.
In no more than a few short weeks i will be embarking on the journey that is my year 12. A scary yet exciting school year awaits me. For me this is the year that i need to put 1000 percent of myself get the marks i need to get into the courses i have been dreaming about for years!

In less than 4 months i will be 18. Finally i can get into overage gigs and get away from stupid scenie boppers....finally i can go to clubs and venues...and finally i can get my medusa piercing and start getting my tatts.

But still i see myself dropping back into old habits.self hate and loathing because i am not good enough. At almost 18 i look around and realise all my friends are girls. Never in my life have i had a boy to fall back on...maybe thats why i suck so bad at the whole 'boy' thing. It makes me laugh that i have spent countless hours crying trying to figure out the reasons why boys just dont like me...spent countless hours standing in the mirror highlihting all of my flaws. I am a failure and i suck at life.

I know i need to get out of the hole and focus on school...something that actually matters...but old flaws and opinions of myself haunt me like ghosts.
I dont know what to do.
Anyone wanna trade bodies? Haha!

And f