My List Of Sorrys....

Im sorry if im not a whore.
Im sorry if my boobs aren't big enough to "satisfy" your needs.
Im sorry if im not skinny enough so you can see my ribs.
Im sorry if im not pretty enough to be "your girl".
Im sorry if im not tanned enough for you.
Im sorry if im not a playboy model so I can't act like a porn star for you.
Im sorry if im weird at times.
Im sorry that I write about you every day.
Im sorry if I don't have the dream body that turns you on.
Im sorry if im not tall/short enough.
Im sorry if I don't have sex with you on the first date.
Im sorry if im annoying.
Im sorry if my hair is not long enough.
Im sorry that im different from those other girls.
Im sorry I won't hang all over you, and be a complete tramp to make you happy.
Im sorry that I actually care about you.
Im sorry that I made you my priority when you only made me your option

But most of all...
Im sorry that you can't accept a me for who i really am.

change...

are always happening
no matter where we look or what we do
change is inevitable
and as time passes we grow
our morals and values evolve with our bodies
some of us move forward, others backwards at rapid rates
i hope i am moving forward
because i am seeing things more clear than ever before
its like im finally seeing myself
and with this new insight i am seeing everyone else
this means it evaluation time
evaluating the people i hold close to me
evaluating my moral values
evaluating everything i hold as important

it is time for some changes
and these changes will be crucial
if some parts of my life dont change soon
i may stop trying to keep them there at all
im already realizing my values are a tad out of order
sometimes as much effort needs to be given back
as is put out...

a better day....

today i feel amazing
i looked in the mirror yesterday and saw past my flaws
i saw a person i havent seen in a long time

thank you for allowing me to feel this way
i know you dont feel the same and id never expect you to
but because of you i can see myself
because of you i can be myself
because of you i can accept myself

everything seems like its falling into place when the world is crashing down around me
is that weird?
am i insane?
probably, most likely, yes

i cant describe how great i feel,
i cant describe how great you make me feel

the worst feeling....

in the world would have to be feeling invisible
walking into a crowded room
and knowing that no one notices you
out of the ten thousand faces engaged in conversation
not one turns in your direction
not one gives you a simple smile
or acknowledges you exist

at this point in my life i have been reduced to nothing more than wallpaper
blending into the background
a small piece of an interior that will at anytime be discarded for a more modern upgrade.

i stand surrounded by faces that sit silent but yet are noticed by the masses
while here i am longing for that one pair of eyes to fall on me.
a pair of eyes that will never meet mine
the invisible will never be noticed
so the broken will never be fixed

in a crowded room you are all i see
in an empty space you stare through me

from a thought in my mind
this now stands directed at one
it isnt meant to be about you
my every thought doesnt revolve around you

empty
invisible
lifeless
broken

one day two eyes wont see through me
one day the invisible will be seen.

i wish...

• i was the girl someone would want back
• i didnt hate my own reflection
• i wasnt waiting by the phone
• i knew how to make everything right
• some people meant less to me
• i didnt have to pretend that im ohkay
• i could make you smile
• i knew what to say to make it alright
• i was a better friend, daughter, person
• i could see the end of this situation
• i knew who i was
  

im sure i promised....

that i wouldnt do this.
i know i said that last time would be THE last time,
but again i fall into this endless cycle
god im so confused,
with myself, with the world, with current situations.
i wish i knew how to put my thoughts into words
how to say what needs to be said
and do what should have been done a long time ago
i know im a failure and i cant get anything right
i just wish this one time i could
eh! better luck next time i guess....