if i cant be beautiful;
i want to be invisible.
if i can't be invisible;
then i guess ill just hide.

My List Of Sorrys....

Im sorry if im not a whore.
Im sorry if my boobs aren't big enough to "satisfy" your needs.
Im sorry if im not skinny enough so you can see my ribs.
Im sorry if im not pretty enough to be "your girl".
Im sorry if im not tanned enough for you.
Im sorry if im not a playboy model so I can't act like a porn star for you.
Im sorry if im weird at times.
Im sorry that I write about you every day.
Im sorry if I don't have the dream body that turns you on.
Im sorry if im not tall/short enough.
Im sorry if I don't have sex with you on the first date.
Im sorry if im annoying.
Im sorry if my hair is not long enough.
Im sorry that im different from those other girls.
Im sorry I won't hang all over you, and be a complete tramp to make you happy.
Im sorry that I actually care about you.
Im sorry that I made you my priority when you only made me your option

But most of all...
Im sorry that you can't accept a me for who i really am.

change...

are always happening
no matter where we look or what we do
change is inevitable
and as time passes we grow
our morals and values evolve with our bodies
some of us move forward, others backwards at rapid rates
i hope i am moving forward
because i am seeing things more clear than ever before
its like im finally seeing myself
and with this new insight i am seeing everyone else
this means it evaluation time
evaluating the people i hold close to me
evaluating my moral values
evaluating everything i hold as important

it is time for some changes
and these changes will be crucial
if some parts of my life dont change soon
i may stop trying to keep them there at all
im already realizing my values are a tad out of order
sometimes as much effort needs to be given back
as is put out...

a better day....

today i feel amazing
i looked in the mirror yesterday and saw past my flaws
i saw a person i havent seen in a long time

thank you for allowing me to feel this way
i know you dont feel the same and id never expect you to
but because of you i can see myself
because of you i can be myself
because of you i can accept myself

everything seems like its falling into place when the world is crashing down around me
is that weird?
am i insane?
probably, most likely, yes

i cant describe how great i feel,
i cant describe how great you make me feel

the worst feeling....

in the world would have to be feeling invisible
walking into a crowded room
and knowing that no one notices you
out of the ten thousand faces engaged in conversation
not one turns in your direction
not one gives you a simple smile
or acknowledges you exist

at this point in my life i have been reduced to nothing more than wallpaper
blending into the background
a small piece of an interior that will at anytime be discarded for a more modern upgrade.

i stand surrounded by faces that sit silent but yet are noticed by the masses
while here i am longing for that one pair of eyes to fall on me.
a pair of eyes that will never meet mine
the invisible will never be noticed
so the broken will never be fixed

in a crowded room you are all i see
in an empty space you stare through me

from a thought in my mind
this now stands directed at one
it isnt meant to be about you
my every thought doesnt revolve around you

empty
invisible
lifeless
broken

one day two eyes wont see through me
one day the invisible will be seen.

i wish...

• i was the girl someone would want back
• i didnt hate my own reflection
• i wasnt waiting by the phone
• i knew how to make everything right
• some people meant less to me
• i didnt have to pretend that im ohkay
• i could make you smile
• i knew what to say to make it alright
• i was a better friend, daughter, person
• i could see the end of this situation
• i knew who i was
  

im sure i promised....

that i wouldnt do this.
i know i said that last time would be THE last time,
but again i fall into this endless cycle
god im so confused,
with myself, with the world, with current situations.
i wish i knew how to put my thoughts into words
how to say what needs to be said
and do what should have been done a long time ago
i know im a failure and i cant get anything right
i just wish this one time i could
eh! better luck next time i guess....

i left myself...

here on this chair
right now
in this moment
im taking a step forward

i wrote down all the things i hate
everything i want to change
and all i want to achieve
everything im still holding on to
now i will leave it here
in the moment of 5.06pm on the 27th of October 2009
i realise that there is too much i am allowing to effect me
things i should move on from
and things i shouldnt want

i know i need to change
for myself and everyone around me
the downward spiral i have put myself in isnt helping anyone

so now its time to get out of it......

just felt...

in the mood for writing
i dont believe i have done enough of this lately
ive been more in a talking mood
talking way too much
just to fill in the silence
and to stop me from thinking

so anyway
i was posting for a good reason
because i am in a great mood
and this blog wont be as depressing as my others

today i looked in the mirror
and saw myself
a reflection i have been avoiding for some time
but i didnt see the girl i usually see
i saw someone better
someone a lot closer to the girl i want to be
i know im moving forward
slowly getting out of my self loathing headspace
and i like it
positive thinking will get me further i am sure

and also i bought the cutest dress today
but mum said my long legs make it look too short so i have to wear tights underneath!
its still cute anyway :D

everyone...

finds their way out of the dark
everyone finds their little spark
but me ill stand her in these shadows
ill let the blackness cover me whole
i needed you to be my torch
to light my path
to show me the way
but you said you had no batteries
well isnt that a great excuse?

and they would say they know me better than i know myself...

thinking,
contemplating,
worrying,
deciding,
all actions that are taking up my thoughts and my head space.

there are also the thoughts of you.
these are the thoughts that i dont want the most
as much as i try your face and your words sit on the back of my eyelids, projected through every thought i think.

i dont want to be thinking of you
knowing id never enter into your mind
you can have everything you want
you probably already do
and ill just sit here
the hopeless kid that i am
and continually tell myself
that i wont ever have any sort of feelings for you
and i wont
as hard as i try i wont let myself fall for you
it wouldnt be worth all the hurting...

its time to wake....

wake up and smell the roses my friend
things will continue changing
its like an endless cycle
the world will never stop....

I'll sport a smile, take in some color; under the stars, i'll be your lover

that lonely feeling likes to creep up
the one when it seems like no one is around
yet you are standing in a room full of people

smiles only hide thoughts of hatred and disappointment
hatred towards my self, disappointment in all i do

i wish i had someone to hold
someone to help me pass the time
but no one is here when i need them
what smart people you are
ill only bring you down

i wish i could just close my eyes and id transport into the future
a future when everything would be great
when everything would be the way i want it to be
i know that is an unrealistic wish
maybe some day ill at least get part of that vision

tonight ill go to sleep and dream of this future
at least when im asleep the emptiness goes away....

The New Me....

i woke up today and went into the study where my computer lives
in this room there is a mirror that stretches from roof to floor and would be about 150 cms wide.
as i peered at what was staring back at me, my stomach turned.
this is a regular occurrence, the girl staring back at me repulses me.

this morning at around 9.30 am i have decided to make a change.
i am sick of being the girl who loathes herself and therefore has no self confidence or self esteem.
i know that this is the main reason as to why such negative people are easily welcomed into my life.
i dont want to be the girl who hates walking around in public, who'd much rather wear a paper bag to cover her face instead of facing the thoughts of everyone around her.
Assuming everyone see me the way i see myself, while seeming very realistic probably isnt.

so from right now, at 9.36am i am starting my new challenge.
By the end of the year i want to have taught myself how to love me, or at least like it.
i am the person who has to be stuck in this skin forever so i better start embracing it ay?
Maybe then, when i have at least a morsel of self confidence more positive people will begin to enter into my life.

This blog will be used as a vessel to document my progress, either positive or negative.
if you have any advise or have heard any good tips please pass them on
as i know this challenge will be a hard one for me.
after pretty much 9 years of hating myself i am going to try and turn it around in a few short months.
well they do say it only takes 21 days to form a habit
maybe i can form the habit of liking myself =]

how is it that...

when i want someone in my life there is no one
when i dont have feelings for anybody
no one else wants to come along

but now i have feelings for you
and all these boys are coming along
i am so confused and i dont know what to do
well there is really only one id consider
too bad that he is like one of that stupid boys good friends
i feel rather bad
and i feel like crap
i cant stop thinking about him :/

if only i could find the words...

to take this pain away
to make the thoughts of you subside
why are you still on my mind?

the more i try to stop thinking about you
the more i cant
its like because i know i cant have you
i want you so much more

fuck you for being the way you are
fuck me for letting myself fall for you
fuck her for being the one you want to be with
fuck you for not being here when i want to talk to you

just for a night....

i wish i was that girl
the pretty girl
the funny girl
the girl who knew what to say
the happy girl
the skinny girl
that girl you would ask to stay

she'll forever be
everything im not
because she will always have you

and forever i'll
sit here and deny
that i wrote this about you

is it wrong...

for me to sit and wait till i see his name pop up in my online list
is it sad for me to smile when it does
does it make me a loser to hope that he will say hi first
and then count to ten and reply so i dont seem eager

is it still okay for me to say that i dont have any feelings for him
because i know that he has someone else
because i know that he would never see me like that
because i know that i would never be good enough again

i just dont wanna feel the way i have before
always being the other girl
fuck you for letting me begin to fall for you
please someone catch me before i do

as the wind changes...

today i sit here thinking
yes, again i am thinking about you
a name that never left my thoughts
though never dominated them either
i look at you now and it makes me sick
sick to think that i let you mean so much to me
sick to think that i let you take so much
you are filthy and you are a joke
your life has become nothing more than a haze spent in gutters
im glad you didnt let me into your life
im glad you pushed me away
because all the hurting has allowed me to see
that you are not worth my time
not even a second
you are barely worth these words im writing
so dig your grave
and dig it deep
6 feet isnt enough for that big head you have aquired
theyll see you on the otherside dear
we'll all laugh as you continue your decent

when things change...

people move on
lies get pushed under the rugs
and over time we forget
in the back of minds we still hold onto the part of your past that made us smile
the regrets we secretly love
and the people we hope will come back
if i had a time machine id change so much
take back a lot
make you take back even more
sometimes i figure
well things happen for a reason
but what is the reason for all this hurting
and good things come to those who wait, right?
well i think ive been waiting long enough
and nothing good can come of any of this

one slip of the tongue could lead to so much more...

so hello old friend...

well i havent blogged for a really long time
so i figured i might as well make a new account and write write write
please let me know of any uber awesome blogs i should get reading

thank you kindly :D