Sunday, June 13, 2010

writer's block;

i wish i had the motivation to update this regularly. not really for anyone else but mainly for myself. there is so much going on in my head at the moment and im finding it so hard to categorise and figure out.

so much of my time is spent trying to unjumble my thoughts that i havent really spent that much time thinking about them.

im just so confused with where everything is going.

i keep surprising myself in strange and sometimes good ways though lately.

im still cant believe that my drunken self revealed to everyone that i have feelings for him. truthfully those feelings have existed for a good year now, on and off, and no body ever knew (or so i though anyway) and this made me happy because i could do whatever the hell i wanted. but now they are out in the open and they can hurt me, and ohgawsh they do hurt me.

then there is the situation with her. and the fact that i know she is still being nice to me for a reason that has nothing to do with wanting to be my friend. and lately i have thrown away bitchy gloria and decided to try and see the better in people before wanting to hurt them. and im trying so very hard to see the good in this situtation, but all i see is her rubbing this "thing" with him in my face in various sublte and not-so-subtle ways.

and the whole "sexuality" argument has come up again. some would say i am 18 and should therefore now where my sexuality lies, but the truth is i am so confused i dont even know anymore. i know i like boys, i like boys a lot, but i also like girls, just not as much. gosh i am so confused. this confusion has led to me being called: a straight girl pretending to like girls because i think it's cool, a lesbian trying to make myself like boys so i can fit in, a slut, an idiot, a freak among many things. 3 years ago i would have called myself bisexual, but the stigma attached with it is so negative im not even sure anymore

and my final paragraph is good. last night i went clubbing for the first time. i was a bit afraid to do this as i am super socially awkward and i cant talk to people i dont know. seeing as nonw of my close friends are 18 i was going out with the freeza crew. but something came over me last night, even before the alcohol. i got dressed up and did my hair and makeup and i actually felt pretty, that feeling was amazing. so i went out and i spoke to people i hadnt met before, i even started conversations. i think im going to be okay at this whole socialising thing. haha

ergh on a final note, i hate that when im a little intoxicated the only place that i want to be is with him. i got so excited when i saw him arrive last night and i guess it hurt, because ive been trying to make myself believe that whatever i think i feel for him is make believe...not happening. and when i get intoxicated i am so affectionate and all i want to do is hug him, and touch him, and kiss him....the last one probably never going to happen. but i did kiss a very good looking boy last night =)

haha anyway goodnight blog

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