remembering what is hardest to forget...

i’d give anything in the world to take back everything i ever said to you,

to erase from my memory everything you ever said to me,

to forget ever knowing you,

to elimininate everything i ever felt for you.

because if you hadnt existed in my life i wouldnt be sitting here wishing i still meant something to you. it sucks when the past creeps back into the future and you realise something that you had pushed aside never actually went away.

and i will sit here and tell everyone that i dont care about you anymore, and that you didnt mean half as to much to me as you actually did (as you still do). i will tell myself i dont need you anymore and that i can forget you the way you have forgotten me.

but the truth is no matter how far from your mind i am you still own a piece of me, and no matter how much you dont want it i dont know how to take it back.

i am a mess and i miss you….

welcome to capetown;

so im actually looking forward to tomorrow night. it's elizzibizzle's 18th and because she is all cute and quirky the theme is 'cape's'! How adorable ^__^!

Tomorrow bianka and i have to wake up super early and catch the bus to watergardens to get material and for the first time since turning 18 buy alcohol haha.

It shall be a good night full of drunken laughs and moments. Hopefully i dont have anymore secrets to spill this time.

I may try and kiss Jean again though haha.

I will surely post some photos of our cute capes and drunken antics in the next few days.

But for me now it is goodnight.
Ciao blogspot!

wasting moments waiting for you;

and how am i meant to keep you off my mind when you are the topic of everyone around me's conversation?!?!

My mum= was he out on saturday night?
My brother=did you hang out with him at bang?
My sister= he told me i looked good on saturday night, etc etc
My best friend= he has gotten so hot.

Etc etc etc.

I seriously cant handle it. Im trying to forget i have feelings for you so i can go back to be happy and okay with my life and all i can think about is how much you are trying to be in everyone else's life while pushing yourself out of mine.

I regret so badly ever admitting to you i had feelings for you because then maybe we could still be normal.

Eh this is shit -_-

writer's block;

i wish i had the motivation to update this regularly. not really for anyone else but mainly for myself. there is so much going on in my head at the moment and im finding it so hard to categorise and figure out.

so much of my time is spent trying to unjumble my thoughts that i havent really spent that much time thinking about them.

im just so confused with where everything is going.

i keep surprising myself in strange and sometimes good ways though lately.

im still cant believe that my drunken self revealed to everyone that i have feelings for him. truthfully those feelings have existed for a good year now, on and off, and no body ever knew (or so i though anyway) and this made me happy because i could do whatever the hell i wanted. but now they are out in the open and they can hurt me, and ohgawsh they do hurt me.

then there is the situation with her. and the fact that i know she is still being nice to me for a reason that has nothing to do with wanting to be my friend. and lately i have thrown away bitchy gloria and decided to try and see the better in people before wanting to hurt them. and im trying so very hard to see the good in this situtation, but all i see is her rubbing this "thing" with him in my face in various sublte and not-so-subtle ways.

and the whole "sexuality" argument has come up again. some would say i am 18 and should therefore now where my sexuality lies, but the truth is i am so confused i dont even know anymore. i know i like boys, i like boys a lot, but i also like girls, just not as much. gosh i am so confused. this confusion has led to me being called: a straight girl pretending to like girls because i think it's cool, a lesbian trying to make myself like boys so i can fit in, a slut, an idiot, a freak among many things. 3 years ago i would have called myself bisexual, but the stigma attached with it is so negative im not even sure anymore

and my final paragraph is good. last night i went clubbing for the first time. i was a bit afraid to do this as i am super socially awkward and i cant talk to people i dont know. seeing as nonw of my close friends are 18 i was going out with the freeza crew. but something came over me last night, even before the alcohol. i got dressed up and did my hair and makeup and i actually felt pretty, that feeling was amazing. so i went out and i spoke to people i hadnt met before, i even started conversations. i think im going to be okay at this whole socialising thing. haha

ergh on a final note, i hate that when im a little intoxicated the only place that i want to be is with him. i got so excited when i saw him arrive last night and i guess it hurt, because ive been trying to make myself believe that whatever i think i feel for him is make believe...not happening. and when i get intoxicated i am so affectionate and all i want to do is hug him, and touch him, and kiss him....the last one probably never going to happen. but i did kiss a very good looking boy last night =)

haha anyway goodnight blog

list as...im bored :/

CROSS OUT THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE:
Graduated High School
Kissed someone.
Smoked cigarettes.
Got so drunk you passed out.
Rode every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone to a rock concert.
Helped someone.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class.
Smoked weed.
Dealt drugs.
Taken a college level course.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs (i.e. ecstasy, heroin, crack, meth, acid).
Watched someone die.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.
Ran a marathon.
Your parents got divorced.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown in a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Lost someone you loved.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Dangerously close to being in jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
Dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
And a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Been fired from a job.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Voted for someone on a reality TV show.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year.
Gone to Europe.
Loved someone you couldn’t have.
Wondered about your sexuality.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the Washington Monument.
Had more than 5 IM’s/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Pet a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Did “spirit day” at school.
Dyed your hair.
Got a tattoo.
Had something pierced.
Got straight A’s.
Been on the Honor Roll.
Known someone with HIV or AIDS.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Gotten caught having a party while parents were gone away

hours spent sleeping are only hours wasted....

bleh everything feels so wrong at the moment
yet i am more content with the direction my life is going then ever before.
i feel as if im finally shedding my skin, getting rid of the old, useless Gloria and growing into a better one.
im not going to pretend that i dont regret many of my recent actions, but i can't dwell on those mistakes, all they do i bring me down.

Almost half of my year 12 year has gone past, and i am finally 18. It is scary just how fast this year has gone and just how quickly i am growing up.

There are only 138 days until 'Muck Up' Day.
fuck that is scary. in 138 days the routine i have known for 13 years will be over.
i'm not sure what i'll even do with my life. Well i know ill be going to uni...but the world of university seems much bigger and entirely different to the world i am in at the moment.

it it true what people say. the days of a year 12 student dont involve much sleep at the end. most days i am living on no more then 3 or 4 hours sleep. Especially as it is coming up to the end of semester and the SACs are piling on. thank god im not 'smart' enough to do a science. no mid years for me =D

Although, i cant complain. Year 12 is going rather splendidly for me. i am doing better in all my subjects then i ever thought i would. i'd like to do a bit better in english, but im getting A's so i should be alright.

138 days and counting.....